A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, the funniest programme on American television was actually a Canadian show called SCTV. One of the more popular running bits was Farm Film Report hosted by Billy Sol Hurok (John Candy) and Big Jim McBob (Joe Flaherty) who reviewed films based on whether or not anything “blowed up real good”. If the show was still running today, Billy Sol and Big Jim would be having a blast, but they’d be about the only ones. Because this year, movies have been nothing more than a series of CGI-assisted bombs.

Okay, I understand how Jaws introduced the concept of the blockbuster film. I know how Star Wars and Indiana Jones brought about the concept of the ‘franchise’ and the ‘tentpole’. I realise that today major Hollywood studios are all just divisions of larger conglomerates, carrying massive amounts of debt, answerable only to their shareholders and attempting to show double-digit revenue growth each year. And I also realise studios hold back on product targeted at audiences above the age of 14 until the end of the year in an attempt to get some Oscar heat.

At least in years past, studios provided mindless crap that was at least entertaining. This year, things have gone completely off the track. In an attempt to make each sequel bigger and better, audiences are subjected to films that are little more than cynical excuses for extending franchises and cross-marketing opportunities. Everything is bigger and better – except for the movie itself. That sound you hear isn’t just studios sucking the life out of art; it’s the noise of audiences running from movie theatres as fast as they
can. Stupid we may be, but apparently we’re not as stupid as the studios hoped.

Superman Returns and no one cared. X-Men: The Last Stand is likely to be the last stand for that franchise. The real impossible mission for Mission: Impossible III was finding anyone who gave a damn about it. Poseidon capsized. Da Vinci Code did huge business, mostly from people going back to see what they missed from falling asleep halfway through the first time. Lady in the Water drowned. And then we had the endless remakes of old horror films, TV series and movies no one cared about the first time around – The Omen, Miami Vice, The Hills Have Eyes, Fun With Dick and Jane. Did anyone over the age of three laugh at anything in the new Pink Panther movie?
Audiences are so starved for entertainment they have made Pirates of the Caribbean 2 – a movie that just goes on and on endlessly – one of the top five grossing films of all time. It’s doesn’t suck, but it’s not that good either.

At least audiences in the US have an alternative – they have enough screens there to show a wide variety of independent and international films. It may seem like we have a decent number of screens here, but that is deceptive, as the majors are intent in getting each of their films into as many multiplexes as possible. We’re left with just a couple of ‘alternative’ cinemas, and, if rumours are true, the best (Cine Art House in Wanchai) is about to close due to landlord greed.

As I write this, Cine Art House is screening a two-year-old film that’s only just made it here, more than a year after the DVD release – Beyond the Sea. Even more unbelievably, last year’s Oscar-winning best picture, Crash, took a year to get to a screen here. Okay, it was crap too, but at least it made you think, it had some degree of ambition. Who knows how long we’ll have to wait to see the current indie darling in the States – Little Miss Sunshine? Snakes on a Plane is currently screening but I’ll bet that Thank You For Smoking
never sees the light of an HK movie house. Where’s Idlewild?
Brick? The Notorious Bettie Page? Brothers of the Head? An Inconvenient Truth?

When I look at the list of films I’ve liked this year, most never played in any HK cinema. That meant I needed to wait for the DVD release or (shhh!) find somewhat less-than-honest methods to obtain copies. Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World, Tristram Shandy, Inside Man, Hostel, Cache – and not too much else. My favourite film of the year so far? I’m shocked to discover it’s a concert movie: Neil Young: Heart of Gold. Jonathan Demme’s presentation of this historic Neil Young concert is breathtaking in its simplicity and warmth, every bit as essential as Demme’s Stop Making Sense 22 years earlier. Yeah, that’s right; I had to wait for the DVD release to see it.

I don’t expect the economics of theatrical distribution in Hong Kong to change any time soon. Or the choices to get any better. I don’t expect to be any less cranky about it all, though.

Resigned to my sad fate, it seems I’ll be watching Big Lebowski for the 87th time. I don’t think I’ve sunk low enough yet to start watching reality TV or Desperate Housewives, but cooking shows are starting to look appealing… And dat’s da name o’ dat tune.