It’s been 12 months now and still the enormous sense of loss remains; a hole in my heart that refuses to go away. I don’t suppose anyone of us will ever understand why – does anyone? – but the sheer senselessness of it, the waste of a wonderful woman loved by so many and with so much to live for, still leaves me numb. I’ve had family and friends die through age and illness – both short and long drawn out – but the suicide of someone close scars and hurts in so many other ways beyond just the grief. There are so many clichés associated with grief, and time, everyone says, heals. Well, maybe it does – but it’s not helped by earnest journalists and public relations people who don’t keep their contacts databases up to date and ask for her and keep asking for her even when you tell them she’s dead; or the Samaritans representative who called and offered counselling if anyone wanted it and then asked, without pausing for breath, if we’d like to give them a free advert to promote their services. Time heals, but maybe there are wounds you don’t want to heal, things you can’t heal. Memories of the joy and happiness that she brought to my life and so many other lives, the smile and an impish love of life that would light up a room: Elaine Chow, 14 March 1986 – 27 October 2005, gone but definitely not forgotten.

s.d.