Tag: 2014

What is it about horses? Enigmatic beasts of burden, we have for centuries been leading them to water and them not drinking. We’ve been closing stable doors after they’ve bolted, and been forbidden to look in a gift one’s mouth. We’ve been told to beware horses bearing gifts. Or is that Greeks? Perhaps it’s Greek horses. Since the invention of cars the horse’s ability to pull stuff has become seriously marginalized, to the point where their life expectancy now involves little more than being ridden around Happy Valley by camp midgets before ending up in a tube of Bostick. Yet this is no reason not to salute our fetlocked friends. Balance is the keyword this year. Do everything in moderation, except moderation itself, which you should do a lot of. Be prepared to do stuff you’re not happy about for the greater good. There will be frustrating times ahead, and it is a bad year to get married, but doesn’t that apply every year?

Horse
(1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2114)
“Horses: Motorcycles made of meat.”
This year you need to seize opportunities without delay, something that could be difficult with hooves. Unfortunately, also this year you will break your leg and be shot dead, but don’t worry as it’s for the best. That aside, in 2014 you have the potential to do really well in everything you try, which is nice. Don’t try scuba diving, mind, as horses can’t breathe through their mouths. Or swim. Anyone who claims to have seen a swimming horse is just pulling your leg – beware. Don’t allow minor setbacks to deter you in the next few months. Minor seatbacks are also best avoided, as you need plenty of lumbar support what, with your dodgy spine. Probably best to get it checked out by an expert. Either way, this should be a good year.

Sheep
(1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003)
“The lion and the lamb will lie down together, but only one will get a good night’s sleep”
“As one year comes, another goes, swaying gently in time’s breeze, like a bogey up one’s nose, waiting for life’s sneeze.” For lucky sheep – though they look like nylon clouds with legs – life’s sneeze will chunder forth from the nose of opportunity this very year. Make no mistake; you will have a fantastic Year of the Horse, living it large and generally bigging it up. It will be a year of much fun, huge success and great opportunity. Try to avoid the sheep-esque hobby of following the sheep in front and instead go your own way. Though you look funny in fields, have lead to a whole barrage of Welsh-baiting jokes and provide enough wool to jumper the planet, do not overlook your worth as a mashed potato / mint sauce mealtime support act. To that end don’t make enemies and beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing. You’ll notice them as their trousers won’t fit properly.

Monkey
(1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004)
“I believe God invented the monkey because he was disappointed in man.”
Having grown tired of opening bananas with your feet, this year monkeys will use their feet to open other stuff; like film festivals. With the body hair of a Mediterranean waiter and the intelligence of, well, a Mediterranean waiter, the monkey is supposedly the missing link between man and beast. Mediterranean waiters are, however, merely the link between man and coffee. Monkeys should try not to be hot headed this year and should think through their options before acting. Remember that rash decisions make situations worse, (although rash cream makes acne better). Softee softee catchee monkey as they say, although these days it’s probably easier to use a trap – be wary of people carrying sharp attacking things. Unlike the many monkeys used in crash helmet tests, you’ll be able to keep your head by not losing your temper. Think on.

Rooster
(1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005)
“A rooster is a cockerel for people who don’t like saying cock”
With the modern economy resulting in higher efficiency, the number of birds being killed by one stone is set to increase this year to three, making your annoying daybreak chorus a particularly dangerous hobby. Try not tasting so nice in curry and you may survive the year, but beware of losing your temper. Glorified chicken you may only be, but this year you need more than ever to calm down and think stuff through. No more running around like a headless chicken – you know it only upsets your mum. Don’t rely on intuition this year as yours is rubbish; try planning and thinking ahead and stuff will be alright.

Dog
(1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006)
“A dog is a dog unless he is facing you; then he is Mr. Dog.”
With a leg at each corner, dogs are stable and reliable, yet – tragically – dafter than two particularly short, short planks. Pavlov made his dogs dribble when they heard a bell to prove just how daft they were. This year you will spend most of your time walking into rooms and forgetting what you were going in there for. Your professional life will be more successful than your personal, partly due to your strong work ethic and partly due to your ham fisted attempts to make beautiful love with people’s legs. Stop that. You can look forward to a year of pursuing a rewarding career, sticks, cars and rabbits. Whilst most domesticated dogs are good with children, in China they are also good with salad or baked potatoes. Not a bad year at all, so expect plenty of tail action in the wagging dept.

Pig
(1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007)
“With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.”
Good god, you really are a big fat and smelly wobble of lard, aren’t you? While the tiger is ‘proud’, the dragon ‘celestial’ and the dog ‘loyal’, you, Mr. Pig, are only ‘tasty’. If god had wanted us to be vegetarian he wouldn’t have made animals out of meat, a sentiment you illustrate all too perfectly. Last year was a whole twelve months of missed opportunities, probably because you were too busy filling your word-hole with food. Just stop it. This year will be equally as hard if you choose to dwell on the past instead of looking to the future. Should you make it through the next twelve months without becoming a hot filling breakfast, things will begin to look up. Try this year not to judge yourself too harshly. There’s a whole world of people out there willing to do it for you.

Rat
(1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008)
“Squirrels: rats with good public relations.”
Leather tailed purveyors of mischief, this equine year will see these odious sewer-dwelling miscreants trying to dodge Lady Fate’s size 11 Nikes as she tries to leave a lasting impression on poor Mr. Rat’s spine. Make no mistake – not a good year for anything that snacks on poo. Beware of false opportunity; that chunky chunk of cheese could make for a tasty meal, but more than likely it’s housed within a cunning trap. Rats can’t vomit, which is why rat poison works so well. Me? I prefer air rifles. Watch the little buggers explode, that’s what I say. Avoid risks, watch out for accidents and try to avoid disagreements. More than likely you’ll have job problems this year, but that’s more to do with your stench and beady eyes than the economy. You’re also in for a torrid time sex-wise. Good; there’s too many of you as it is.

Ox
(1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009)
“The ox will plunge through mud, swim over streams, dive into thickets and he will eat almost anything”
After last years terrible outbreaks of Foot in Mouth disease, Oxen are muchly in demand this year. You will star in two films; Her and Noah, which will catapult you to international stardom. Play your cards right and sometime this year you could be shacked up with Miley Cyrus. Everyone else has been. Guard against complacency, mind, as you are only an ox after all. Don’t do anything stupid and, career-wise, this could be your year. Yippee.

Tiger
(1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010)
“Anyone can grab a tiger by the balls, but it takes a real man to squeeze!”
Voted the animal Most Likely To Be Killed By People With Guns whilst at school, tigers will this year realise that in fact they do make quite nice rugs. To this end, they’ll stop eating and lay spread eagled on their own dining room floors until told to stop playing silly buggers by their mums. Yellow and black and stripy like the bee, yet slightly heavier and unable to fly, tigers will enjoy an upturn in their careers, something they will achieve by not becoming extinct just yet. Spurred on by this success they will learn to control their temper and have a higher appreciation of the arts. If you can cease that annoying habit of marking your territory with urine, love could be on the cards. Be wary of people jealous of your good fortune and expect to dole out a few maulings along the way.

Rabbit
(1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011)
“It’s open season on wabbits”
I once had a rabbit. Got killed by a cat. Cat died of flu. Flu under a bus. Poetic justice? Not really – it doesn’t rhyme. Tired of staying in the hutch and bouncing bones with a succession of randy rabbit partners, the normally laidback bunny is about to spend a whole year being what Bleiber-like wannabe’s would describe as ‘jail bunny’. An increasingly active social life will finally see those laboratory make-up tests paying off as your expertly applied mascara will make sure you have no trouble finding new and exciting people to root, while your e-cig habit will mark you out as one cool carrot cruncher. Remember, however, that when it comes to sex, it’s quality that counts, not quantity, unless you’re a man-rabbit, in which case quantity and quality are pretty much the same. Go out and enjoy this year.

Dragon
(1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012)
“Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.”
This year people are more likely to be aware that dragons don’t really exist, which will make applying for credit cards that bit more difficult. Last year wasn’t too clever for dragons, and unless you stop sulking and get your proverbial shit together, this year will be another succession of St. George types trying to pop a sword in yo’ ass. Celestial and regal, Lady Luck will nevertheless once again flip you the finger of ill fortune, so you’ll need to be careful; learn the lessons of other dragons by staying away from the whole eating virgins thing and remember that if you hang around with young boys you’ll be called Puff. Not the best of years can be expected, but you’re a dragon so who cares. Would you rather be a sheep?

Snake
(1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013)
“Even snakes are afraid of snakes.”
Curiously warm skinned legless lizards will find the next dozen months a period of change. Snakes in the grass will be presented with opportunities to travel but trouser snakes are in for a torrid time as they’ll find precious little in the way of hot lovin’. Word on the street has it that fanged belly crawlers could be in a for some ill health over the next few months, which will cheer everyone else up as no one really likes snakes except when their in cages. Or soup. Feather boa’s will be up to their necks in it, (sorry…) while the only hissing coming from you this year will be the air escaping from your slowly deflating aspirations. Unlucky.

Disclaimer: the very fact that we need to add a disclaimer should alert you to the fact that there are people amongst us right now who are empty-headed enough to put much store by these horoscopes. Don’t; they’re all quite obviously made up years ago.